How have you been?

People say that I look tired lately. They keep asking me if I have a problem. Well, I do. I think it’s because my mind and my heart has been running in nonstop overdrive for the last couple of months.

My mind has not stopped thinking and it has thought of a lot of things. Things I don’t normally think about, things I shouldn’t think about, things I thought I’ll never think about. All sorts of things. I can handle that though. My mind was never much of an idler (quite the opposite for my body though) so this much thinking doesn’t bother me. The stuff I think about, now that bothers me. There are just too much things that I cannot really understand. Somethings I understand, but don’t make sense. There are also things that I understand and makes sense but I don’t want to accept. What I like about my brain is that it can think of a lot of things at the same time and that it can think of the most impossible scenarios (read: paranoia). Apparently, it’s what I don’t like about it either. I have been pushing it to run at full power, all the time. What I’ve neglected to do was to train it to stop. Now, my mind keeps racing… thinking of the scariest and most unnerving of thoughts. Even if I am very sleepy, I have a hard time falling asleep. Every time my body relaxes, my mind takes it as a sign to think harder. If I do fall asleep and I was woken up by a noise or shake, instead of being groggy, my mind is on full alert and begins to bombard my consciousness with thoughts so shaking that I can’t sleep anymore. This is sort of a bad thing. A really bad thing. Why? Well…

My heart has not felt this many emotions in such a short span of time. One moment, I am doing fine and in just a blink of an eye, I feel so depressed that nothing seems to be going right but just as quickly, I feel normal again (well, as normal as my mind would permit). There’s the anger that builds up then suddenly explodes. When it’s done exploding, it then implodes to depression. Then there’s this weird determination that tells me that I can do this and that nothing will stop me from living my best. Then when I sit down and think, I break down and all hope is lost. My heart beats a slow yet strong beat. Then it beats a fast, weak, almost faltering beat. Even if all I did that day was to sit down and watch T.V., after all the ups and downs my heart goes through, I still feel like I’ve mined 50 tons of ore using a plastic spoon.

That’s why it’s a bad thing that my brain does not stop thinking. Because even if I want, nay, need to sleep, I can’t because my mind just won’t let me. I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown and complete physical exhaustion. My mind thinks of things that makes my heart beat like crazy. Then my heart exhausts my body, urging it to sleep but my mind revs up it’s engines and thoughts pour into my head. If I do manage to fall asleep, it only means that I will have enough physical energy to power my brain for another bout of nerve wrecking consciousness. I probably need just one more strand of hair to fall on the burden I carry to kill me. However, even if I do looked stressed or if I feel tired…

What’s weird though is that I don’t think I will die just yet. Even if I really, really want all this pain and suffering to stop, I still think and feel that there is still something worth living for. Even if a whole wig or a basket of toupees will fall on my burden, there’s still something there that keeps me going. A little voice when I am about to fall asleep that tells me that it’s okay. The consoling warmth that embraces me when I wake up. The small things that interrupt my busy, boring day that give me energy to keep going. The touch of reality that tells me that everything is still alright. These are some of the things that fuel my day. Even if I look as haggard as the Egyptians who built the pyramids, I still keep going.

So, if people ask me why I look tired… well, it’s because I am. I haven’t slept and even if I had, I am sure to be tired the next day anyway. But it doesn’t matter. Nope, it doesn’t matter if I look tired or feel tired. As long as I have the little voice or the warm embrace, I know that I will make it through the day.