‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than to never have loved at all.
– Alfred Lord Tennyson
(Brace yourself. This is going to be a long one.)
This is probably one of the most popular and repeated “love quote” in the world. Though after reading some more of the poem, I found out it isn’t about love and losing it but rather a requiem. I find that the line, even out of context, means the same. Losing someone’s love is about as devastating for me as that person’s death. Probably even more so.
When someone you love is a person who loves you back is the most wonderful thing in the world. Nothing could be greater than knowing that all your love is being returned with equal strength. But when that someone dies, one would think that the love has ended. I don’t think so. The love you two have for each other will forever be there, albeit no physical manifestations. I find that the love will be immortalize as the people who know you both will forever say that there was a love like no other. That the last person that you loved had loved only you. And time will come that you two will be together again.
But when the person you love suddenly tells you that he/she loves you no more, that would be a tragedy of unequal pain. That that person has consciously decided that he/she loves you no more is something only a few can handle. To know that you love him/her but that he/she rejects your love for whatever reason is the saddest thing a person has to live with. Even after all attempts to claim back that love and still you fail, that for me is the lowest point in anyone’s life.
So no, I don’t think that death is worse than losing someone’s love. I think that losing someone’s love because they said so is much much more terrible. Which brings me to why I wrote this. Is it really better to have love and lost than to not have loved at all?
You may be wondering why I am now down in this rut called “being emo” when there were no signs recently that I should be in this state? Well, it’s because I have ultimately decided that I would stop admiring someone because I know that nothing will become of it. It was just last week, I just stared into space and said, “No more.”
I am 25 now and it’s been a long and harrowing life, at least the last decade. I have loved a lot and I have lost a lot. I’ve been burned, ignored, replaced, forgotten, pushed, and whatever forms of rejection there is. A lot. I cannot emphasize that enough. Of the 10 years I tried to have a relationship, only one lasted significantly and that didn’t even end well. Unfortunately for me, I don’t take hints very well and even after all those experiences I still have hope that I would find love. With all I’ve been through, you would think that I would have given up by now. I haven’t. I have friends who’ve been in 7 year relationships then broke up but are still at it. I have friends who’ve been in the relationship game longer than I have and still haven’t lost all hope. So why should I? I still think that there’s love and someone out there for me.
But not from that one person, Green. Yeah, I bestowed that person I have given up on the name, “Green.” I don’t know why.
I first met Green on a regular day, a day just like any other. The moment I saw her, I knew that I will like her. And I did. We talked a few times, teased each other a few times, greeted each other a few times, smiled at each other a few times. Sigh. A few times to many, if you ask me. I knew even only after those few times of interactions that I like Green more than I did others. So, in spite the blaring sirens in my head saying no, I said to myself, “Why not try for love again?”. I should listen to myself more often.
No sooner had I decided to open up my heart for the possibilities of love that I saw the hopelessness of it all. First, it was the subtle, “I don’t see you in that way” remarks that I found cute and challenging, before I saw them for what they were. Then it was the competition. Here I was thinking I had dibs when suddenly there were 3 others (now 4, I think) with the same gleaming eyes of hope that I had. I didn’t have time to flatter myself into thinking that it was equal competition that I found out I was third at best. That is considering only those that I know are after her. Then lastly, though still connected with the second thing, I found out that we had not much in common. That is, relative to the others who also liked Green. The others were into the same things with Green. They even do those things regularly even if the others have had spent equal time with Green as I had.
I held on the glimmer of hope for a while until last week. (As of the writing of this sentence, Green just came into the room. Filling me with more sorrow and irony that I had in a while.) I don’t know what triggered it. Perhaps it was the passing smile that she showed me. Looking at that smile and thinking that that smile will never be meant for me and me alone made my heart shed a tear. Something my heart doesn’t do often for a reason. It hurts as hell. Perhaps it was the gravity of the situation, the thought that I could have done more to show Green that I like her like I like the sun after a rainy weekend. That I would do everything that I can just so I could see her smile everyday. Perhaps, I just lost hope. Perhaps my brain overrode my heart and logically gave up. Perhaps… Perhaps… I don’t know.
Is it really OK to love knowing that you will lose? Is it really worth the pain of losing, of being rejected, of being told by the person you love doesn’t love you back? Is it really better to love knowing you would lose it than to simply push yourself to forget about that love?
The only sure thing I know is that when this article ends, I would have exerted everything that I will ever exert to tell Green that I like her. I choose to not love Green anymore than to love her and lose her. I have been hurt too many times and the signs in the pursuit of this particular person says nothing but hurt and misery.
But I also know that I do have feelings for Green. Even if I know nothing will come out of the next part, I know just have to try one last time. This will be the last act I will do to let Green know. I will give those two lines above a chance to prove me wrong. That it is better to have at least loved even though you lost than to not have been loved at all. In the next part, I wish to tell her that, in spite of the pain, a part of me wants to have even the fleetest moment of our hearts beating as one. Maybe I can stretch that moment into forever. That maybe I don’t have to lose her. But the pain of losing her is far too great for me to bear. So, this is the last shout you’ll ever hear from my heart.
Perhaps it’s not a good idea to even think me as someone to love. Heck, all the rules, morals, and the whole of this Earth says it’s not supposed to be. I think otherwise. Looking into your eyes and seeing you smile tells me that even if I die tomorrow, my life would have been worth it. Let me show you what I can do to make you happy. I know that you are worth loving with all the I am. Please, give me a chance to show you how much I love you.
Right now you may have noticed that I am avoiding you. Ever since I decided that I have been burned enough times, I always do this to the protect myself. You may think it rude but even if I am acting like this, it only means I like you more than enough to know that if this doesn’t end well, despair will consume me.
Can you give me chance? At least for a while, tell me that I have a chance even for a while? Be it a week, a day or even just an hour, can I love you? All that I have, all that I can do, I will give and show you in that week, day or hour. Read my heart, and it will say: “Do you think that you can let me love you? Or at least can you pretend that I can love you even for a while?”
That’s it. That’s the last time I will ever do anything to show you that I have feelings for you. If this article doesn’t reach you, then I guess… well. Never mind. If it does reach you… well. Yeah. I like you.