Day 007
Well, there goes that resolve. I don’t know why I’m even like this. Probably because I’m a stupid obsessive asshole who can’t take a hint. Green’s here today… completely visible from where I’m sitting. When I pass by her area I just get a tiny hint of her scent and it drives me wild. My decision to avoid her completely makes me want to stab myself with an ice pick for thinking that I could pull that off. I’ve never been good at going cold turkey and seeing her everyday doesn’t help it one bit.
When I pass by her terminal, I see her typing slowly and makes me ache that I can’t sit by her side to hear those slow taps that fill me with joy. I sit and see her face, the monitor giving her already glowing face a little more glow. I could stare at her the whole day and not get tired. Every song I hear makes me think about Green and every song seems to be about her, about me liking her, about me not able to be with her. I see how her eyes move reading the stuff in the monitor, wishing that I were those words she sees. I even get stupid quotes in my head and contemporize then into stupid sounding ones. No, I won’t say those what those are. I may be desperately head over heels but I think I still have my judgment. (Actually, I was going to put one but after rereading it… it was just sad and stupid.)
Our eyes sometimes meet and in the few microseconds that it takes for me to look away, I am filled with all the joy when I realize that I have the good luck of being alive and this close to her. Yet, I am also filled with all the sadness when I realize that I can never stare into those eyes and drown myself in them. I think back on the few times that I could have made our time together wonderful but didn’t and I fall just a little farther down my already deep hole of misery.
Day 011
Wouldn’t you know it… It seems Fate likes to torture me with confusing signs. I can’t sit in my normal row recently since the Basis team are here. Now I sit in the row in front of my normal row which brings me closer to Green. Yeah. Something I look so forward to.
Then yesterday, well… yesterday there was something that was going to happen that would have given me the chance to make an ultimatum with Green. It would have made me decide whether I ultimately tell her that I like her and wait for a reaction or not tell her I like her and just continue to blatantly ignore her or to tell her I’m going cold turkey on her because I like her so much. I was looking forward to it as much as a convict on death row does his judgment day. But still, it was a thing I wanted to do so I can actually just get it over it. And Fate knew that. And I’m sure you’ve guessed by now what happened.
Anyway, now I’m absolutely sure that Green knows I’m avoiding her. What I’m not sure of is how she feels about it. She’s avoiding me now too so I guess she’s fine with it. Before when she looks around at her surroundings she would still look in my direction. Now, she skips it. Before I think she still looks at me from her peripheral vision, now I know she doesn’t. I guess I do know how she feels about it.
*Sigh* How I miss being to stare at her while she typed away, smiling. Now I can’t do that for fear that she might see me looking at her and she’s gonna know why I avoid her. It will look bad. Very bad. These are the kinds of situations that even one small assumption can be catastrophic.
There’s something that really pisses me off and that is now that I don’t go near her anymore, some other bastard sits next to her. Though he’s not interested in her, the fact that I hate the bastard since his a pompous ass (or I make him out to be a pompous, I’m not sure. Scratch that, he is.) and that he shares more time with Green even though he doesn’t treasure it as much as I would.
Sorry if this thing is in shambles and the flow of thoughts are in disarray. I am typing as things happen and as feelings surge. I like her high cheek bones. Damn. Before I could be so close to her I could probably reach out and touch her and she would let me. We sat so close that even if I didn’t mean to, I would see her. Now, I strain my eye muscles just so I’d see her hand typing away. She has a funny laugh.
She’s doing that stupid thing she does. I keep teasing her about it but she does it anyway. I like her because of that.
I’ve asked a friend about what I should do and he told me not to tell her. Do you know that thing when you think you don’t know which to choose between two things because you think either are just as okay to do as the other so then you ask someone to decide for you so they choose one for you and when you hear the decision it makes you sad and think that they chose wrong? It’s stupid really. I have this thing that when I’m faced with a choice of two things and that I don’t know which to choose, I flip a coin. This helps me about 90% of the time. There are just choices like “regular or large fries” that a coin can be helpful with. However, there is also the 10% that it doesn’t work and those are questions you already know the answer to but you don’t want to see it embodied, much less in a coin.
So now, I know that not telling her is not what I want. I want to tell her. But I can’t. Won’t. Can’t. I don’t know. I want her to know but I know that will change everything and my guts says it’s going to change for the worse. So do I still want to tell her? I don’t know. I don’t think I can. Sometimes I just hope she finds out and she shows me signs of how she feels about it. Or not. Argh!