I have about 30 shots of this thing trying to get a good angle and good lighting. This is the best I got. This is zoomed at 200mm and then further cropped in editing to remove much of the sky. These are the times that I can say that sometimes the gear you have matters. A dedicated fast, telephoto lens could have done for this shot.

Anyhoo, hmmm… yeah. Just increased the blueness of the sky and cropped and… hmmm… not much else really.

Well, there goes that resolve. I don’t know why I’m even like this. Probably because I’m a stupid obsessive asshole who can’t take a hint. Green’s here today… completely visible from where I’m sitting. When I pass by her area I just get a tiny hint of her scent and it drives me wild. My decision to avoid her completely makes me want to stab myself with an ice pick for thinking that I could pull that off. I’ve never been good at going cold turkey and seeing her everyday doesn’t help it one bit.

When I pass by her terminal, I see her typing slowly and makes me ache that I can’t sit by her side to hear those slow taps that fill me with joy. I sit and see her face, the monitor giving her already glowing face a little more glow. I could stare at her the whole day and not get tired. Every song I hear makes me think about Green and every song seems to be about her, about me liking her, about me not able to be with her. I see how her eyes move reading the stuff in the monitor, wishing that I were those words she sees. I even get stupid quotes in my head and contemporize then into stupid sounding ones. No, I won’t say those what those are. I may be desperately head over heels but I think I still have my judgment. (Actually, I was going to put one but after rereading it… it was just sad and stupid.)

Our eyes sometimes meet and in the few microseconds that it takes for me to look away, I am filled with all the joy when I realize that I have the good luck of being alive and this close to her. Yet, I am also filled with all the sadness when I realize that I can never stare into those eyes and drown myself in them. I think back on the few times that I could have made our time together wonderful but didn’t and I fall just a little farther down my already deep hole of misery.

Day 011

Wouldn’t you know it… It seems Fate likes to torture me with confusing signs. I can’t sit in my normal row recently since the Basis team are here. Now I sit in the row in front of my normal row which brings me closer to Green. Yeah. Something I look so forward to.

Then yesterday, well… yesterday there was something that was going to happen that would have given me the chance to make an ultimatum with Green. It would have made me decide whether I ultimately tell her that I like her and wait for a reaction or not tell her I like her and just continue to blatantly ignore her or to tell her I’m going cold turkey on her because I like her so much. I was looking forward to it as much as a convict on death row does his judgment day. But still, it was a thing I wanted to do so I can actually just get it over it. And Fate knew that. And I’m sure you’ve guessed by now what happened.

Anyway, now I’m absolutely sure that Green knows I’m avoiding her. What I’m not sure of is how she feels about it. She’s avoiding me now too so I guess she’s fine with it. Before when she looks around at her surroundings she would still look in my direction. Now, she skips it. Before I think she still looks at me from her peripheral vision, now I know she doesn’t. I guess I do know how she feels about it.

*Sigh* How I miss being to stare at her while she typed away, smiling. Now I can’t do that for fear that she might see me looking at her and she’s gonna know why I avoid her. It will look bad. Very bad. These are the kinds of situations that even one small assumption can be catastrophic.

There’s something that really pisses me off and that is now that I don’t go near her anymore, some other bastard sits next to her. Though he’s not interested in her, the fact that I hate the bastard since his a pompous ass (or I make him out to be a pompous, I’m not sure. Scratch that, he is.) and that he shares more time with Green even though he doesn’t treasure it as much as I would.

Sorry if this thing is in shambles and the flow of thoughts are in disarray. I am typing as things happen and as feelings surge. I like her high cheek bones. Damn. Before I could be so close to her I could probably reach out and touch her and she would let me. We sat so close that even if I didn’t mean to, I would see her. Now, I strain my eye muscles just so I’d see her hand typing away. She has a funny laugh.

She’s doing that stupid thing she does. I keep teasing her about it but she does it anyway. I like her because of that.

I’ve asked a friend about what I should do and he told me not to tell her. Do you know that thing when you think you don’t know which to choose between two things because you think either are just as okay to do as the other so then you ask someone to decide for you so they choose one for you and when you hear the decision it makes you sad and think that they chose wrong? It’s stupid really. I have this thing that when I’m faced with a choice of two things and that I don’t know which to choose, I flip a coin. This helps me about 90% of the time. There are just choices like “regular or large fries” that a coin can be helpful with. However, there is also the 10% that it doesn’t work and those are questions you already know the answer to but you don’t want to see it embodied, much less in a coin.

So now, I know that not telling her is not what I want. I want to tell her. But I can’t. Won’t. Can’t. I don’t know. I want her to know but I know that will change everything and my guts says it’s going to change for the worse. So do I still want to tell her? I don’t know. I don’t think I can. Sometimes I just hope she finds out and she shows me signs of how she feels about it. Or not. Argh!

I don’t know why, I just sort of did. I can’t explain why I wasn’t afraid the first time, but the last two times were making me curse why the wind had to even move.

Anyway, I took this shot and it was ugly as hell. I didn’t even have a “vision” for this shot and had very little to no plans on publishing it. So why I risked my life (well, it felt that I did) to take this shot, I just don’t know why.

In the end, the shot looked like Hell’s hound chewed it up and spat it out. Then came photo editing to help. Yey.

I chose this shot among the 10 or so death defying shots that I took since it was the one with the least amount of distraction, the straightest and I like the way the metal “beams” made patterns and nice lines. So what I did here was to increase the depth of the black of the night sky to remove all the unnecessary light and stuff. I also realigned the image as straight as I could. Then I made it look as low key but still nice as possible. And, viola.

(Brace yourself. This is going to be a long one.)

This is probably one of the most popular and repeated “love quote” in the world. Though after reading some more of the poem, I found out it isn’t about love and losing it but rather a requiem. I find that the line, even out of context, means the same. Losing someone’s love is about as devastating for me as that person’s death. Probably even more so.

When someone you love is a person who loves you back is the most wonderful thing in the world. Nothing could be greater than knowing that all your love is being returned with equal strength. But when that someone dies, one would think that the love has ended. I don’t think so. The love you two have for each other will forever be there, albeit no physical manifestations. I find that the love will be immortalize as the people who know you both will forever say that there was a love like no other. That the last person that you loved had loved only you. And time will come that you two will be together again.

But when the person you love suddenly tells you that he/she loves you no more, that would be a tragedy of unequal pain. That that person has consciously decided that he/she loves you no more is something only a few can handle. To know that you love him/her but that he/she rejects your love for whatever reason is the saddest thing a person has to live with. Even after all attempts to claim back that love and still you fail, that for me is the lowest point in anyone’s life.

So no, I don’t think that death is worse than losing someone’s love. I think that losing someone’s love because they said so is much much more terrible. Which brings me to why I wrote this. Is it really better to have love and lost than to not have loved at all?

You may be wondering why I am now down in this rut called “being emo” when there were no signs recently that I should be in this state? Well, it’s because I have ultimately decided that I would stop admiring someone because I know that nothing will become of it. It was just last week, I just stared into space and said, “No more.”

I am 25 now and it’s been a long and harrowing life, at least the last decade. I have loved a lot and I have lost a lot. I’ve been burned, ignored, replaced, forgotten, pushed, and whatever forms of rejection there is. A lot. I cannot emphasize that enough. Of the 10 years I tried to have a relationship, only one lasted significantly and that didn’t even end well. Unfortunately for me, I don’t take hints very well and even after all those experiences I still have hope that I would find love. With all I’ve been through, you would think that I would have given up by now. I haven’t. I have friends who’ve been in 7 year relationships then broke up but are still at it. I have friends who’ve been in the relationship game longer than I have and still haven’t lost all hope. So why should I? I still think that there’s love and someone out there for me.

But not from that one person, Green. Yeah, I bestowed that person I have given up on the name, “Green.” I don’t know why.

I first met Green on a regular day, a day just like any other. The moment I saw her, I knew that I will like her. And I did. We talked a few times, teased each other a few times, greeted each other a few times, smiled at each other a few times. Sigh. A few times to many, if you ask me. I knew even only after those few times of interactions that I like Green more than I did others. So, in spite the blaring sirens in my head saying no, I said to myself, “Why not try for love again?”. I should listen to myself more often.

No sooner had I decided to open up my heart for the possibilities of love that I saw the hopelessness of it all. First, it was the subtle, “I don’t see you in that way” remarks that I found cute and challenging, before I saw them for what they were. Then it was the competition. Here I was thinking I had dibs when suddenly there were 3 others (now 4, I think) with the same gleaming eyes of hope that I had. I didn’t have time to flatter myself into thinking that it was equal competition that I found out I was third at best. That is considering only those that I know are after her. Then lastly, though still connected with the second thing, I found out that we had not much in common. That is, relative to the others who also liked Green. The others were into the same things with Green. They even do those things regularly even if the others have had spent equal time with Green as I had.

I held on the glimmer of hope for a while until last week. (As of the writing of this sentence, Green just came into the room. Filling me with more sorrow and irony that I had in a while.) I don’t know what triggered it. Perhaps it was the passing smile that she showed me. Looking at that smile and thinking that that smile will never be meant for me and me alone made my heart shed a tear. Something my heart doesn’t do often for a reason. It hurts as hell. Perhaps it was the gravity of the situation, the thought that I could have done more to show Green that I like her like I like the sun after a rainy weekend. That I would do everything that I can just so I could see her smile everyday. Perhaps, I just lost hope. Perhaps my brain overrode my heart and logically gave up. Perhaps… Perhaps… I don’t know.

Is it really OK to love knowing that you will lose? Is it really worth the pain of losing, of being rejected, of being told by the person you love doesn’t love you back? Is it really better to love knowing you would lose it than to simply push yourself to forget about that love?

The only sure thing I know is that when this article ends, I would have exerted everything that I will ever exert to tell Green that I like her. I choose to not love Green anymore than to love her and lose her. I have been hurt too many times and the signs in the pursuit of this particular person says nothing but hurt and misery.

But I also know that I do have feelings for Green. Even if I know nothing will come out of the next part, I know just have to try one last time. This will be the last act I will do to let Green know. I will give those two lines above a chance to prove me wrong. That it is better to have at least loved even though you lost than to not have been loved at all. In the next part, I wish to tell her that, in spite of the pain, a part of me wants to have even the fleetest moment of our hearts beating as one. Maybe I can stretch that moment into forever. That maybe I don’t have to lose her. But the pain of losing her is far too great for me to bear. So, this is the last shout you’ll ever hear from my heart.

Perhaps it’s not a good idea to even think me as someone to love. Heck, all the rules, morals, and the whole of this Earth says it’s not supposed to be. I think otherwise. Looking into your eyes and seeing you smile tells me that even if I die tomorrow, my life would have been worth it. Let me show you what I can do to make you happy. I know that you are worth loving with all the I am. Please, give me a chance to show you how much I love you.

Right now you may have noticed that I am avoiding you. Ever since I decided that I have been burned enough times, I always do this to the protect myself. You may think it rude but even if I am acting like this, it only means I like you more than enough to know that if this doesn’t end well, despair will consume me.

Can you give me chance? At least for a while, tell me that I have a chance even for a while? Be it a week, a day or even just an hour, can I love you? All that I have, all that I can do, I will give and show you in that week, day or hour. Read my heart, and it will say: “Do you think that you can let me love you? Or at least can you pretend that I can love you even for a while?”

That’s it. That’s the last time I will ever do anything to show you that I have feelings for you. If this article doesn’t reach you, then I guess… well. Never mind. If it does reach you… well. Yeah. I like you.

For those that haven’t read my about me, shame on you. Read it. Now.

As you now know, I took up electrical engineering in college. For a while, I worked for the power utility company in our province so I know a few things about electrical posts. In this photo, it’s really well made (like I would know). But really, it’s clean. Well, so far. No stupid phone and cable TV lines are still attached to it yet. You see the thin line at the top most? That’s the neutral line. All other lines are the main lines, carrying high voltage power. There’s a lot more I can say about this since I should as it was my course and I did pass the REE board exam but it will be too much for just an article introducing the photo.

I just turned the photo to B/W as post process, nothing else. (EXIF data to follow…)

Having to choose one among your plethora of friends and family you can turn into your inseparable mobile phone soulmate is just not something you can do as easily as blinking. In my case, I’d probably be able to learn how to lobotomize someone before I can confidently say that there’s only one person worthy to be my super one. (Note the sutble difference between “super one” and “Super One” in the article.)

I mean, there’s my dad.

Now he’s a good candidate to be my super one. One, he’s a super dad and two, he’s a big source of *ahem* income *ahem*. He’s really cool and always calls me to ask how I’m doing with work and stuff. Aside from choosing my super dad to be my super one, he’s also a great Super One because think about it, being able to call and ask for money anytime you want would be great.

Then there’s my mom.

She’s going to be a fantastic super one ’cause she she watches a lot of lifestyle shows and reads a lot of magazines about home and comforts and stuff. She’s super since you can ask her help about anything. Even if I pride myself in saying that I know a lot of stuff, I still have a lot to learn, like how and where to store cooked pasta or how to remove a weird stain or how to get rid of roaches. She’s also a great Super One because having the helping super mom a text away would be priceless.

There’s also my sister.

She’s a fantastic candidate since she picks up after me when I get lazy. I mean, I like doing chores when I’m in the mood and I am good at it too but sometimes I am just too lethargic to even bother folding up my clothes before sending it to the laundry. She’s super at cleaning up messes I won’t even consider touching with a ten foot pole. She’s going to be a great super one as well as a Super One because I get lethargic a lot. XP

Then there’s my brother.

We’ve never been really close when we were young but now that we’re older, we seem to have a connection. He’s currently the one left at (provincial) home with my parents. He’s the one who’s “taking care” of them… you know what I mean. Anyway, he’s a fantastic brother and a great Super One so that I can check up on not only him but also my parents.

Then there’s my dog. Oh wait… no, not him. He’s super and all but you’ve got to meet him to appreciate. LOL.

There’s also my friends.

They are great. Fantastic. Super. Each one knowledgable in his/her own field. Some are funny, some are unfortunately not. Some are spenders and some are se… wait… let’s go with “trifty”. Some are wise and some are just learning. They all have a reason to become my super one’s as well as Super One’s but I bet they’d pesk me with questions why I chose one over the other so might as well put them in the list of “not-so-wise-choices” together with my dog. XD

But then among your friends, there’s bound to be best friends. The friend who’ve been with you longer, the friend who you have been with through the best and the worst of each other’s lives, the friend who you can always call on for help and in turn you will help when they need it. I have a friend like that and I pick him as my Super One.

He’s Chairell Winston C. Almendras.

Most know him as Winston and in the online world as Batang Yagit but I call him, Tei. I don’t know if it’s the correct term or what but I’ve read somewhere that it means younger brother in Japanese. Ever since we met in 2005, he’s always been my younger brother (one I bestowed that I will take care of other than my actual younger brother). We currently live at the same place and I could not imagine a better housemate. If I’m low on cash, he’s ready to lend some. If I’m sick he’s more than willing to do my share of the chores. Because of him, I’m now more sociable than I was and I have a lot of friends in Manila now. I choose him as my super one because he is SUPER. You can ask anyone and they’ll say the same thing. I also choose him as my super one since having to be able to call or text the friend that you can always count on is just super. Why, you say, even above my family and the friends who will undoubtedly create a riot because I choose someone else over them will I choose him? Well, family is great and I’d never trade them for anyone else but in this time in my life, the closer proximity of Winston is a whole lot helpful (and it will be even more so when I choose him as my Super One). He’s also the more “generous” among my friends (ahem ahem… friends… there’s a subtle hit there… you know… about the quote generosity unquote part…), not only with financial needs but also his time. So there, my super one and Super One is Tei. =)

Anyway, as for the lion and the photo. I so wanted to touch the lion and bite it’s ear. Weird I know, but I sort of have this thing with wanting to bite the ears of animals. But I have not done so in my life. I want to. But haven’t. Anyhoo, the handlers were a bit strict and I could not find the right time where(when?) the lion was not agitated with the people and had the kind of temperment (both with the handlers and the lion) that would allow me to hug the lion. She(?) was beautiful. Well, I’m partial as anything mammal, less humans, to me are beautiful. I wish I had a pet lion. White, black, green, pink, I don’t care so long as it’s a lion. A lion would be a nice pet.

The photos were obviously post processed as composing with cage bars, little children, couldn’t care less lion, harsh noon lighting left me with very little to work with. That and I’m a lousy photographer. Anyway, with the first photo, I made it BW and increased the contrast as to make the fur stand out. I only wish I was a good enough editor to remove the chain and collar so the photo would not give off the feeling of “domesticated” so much. For the second photo, it breaks a lot of conventions and rules but I like it. I would have wanted to get more of her head/face into the photo but the rest were blurred shots and this was the only sharp one. Again, I increased the contrast to make the fur more prominent but retained some of the color and still could not edit it good enough to remove the collar. I will update this article later when I find the raw images since I was not able to extract the EXIF data.

Camera: Nikon D60
Lens: 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6
Shutter Speed: 1/500″
Aperture: f/7.1
ISO: 400
Exposure Compensation: +1EV
Metering Mode: 3D Matrix
Focal Length: 18mm
White Balance: Auto
Picture Control: Normal

The layout of the place is great though confusing at first since the CSR people are hidden behind the display cases and posters, nothing a couple of visits won’t solve. I have not tried their service yet since I have had no need for it. They also offer free WiFi connection for customers in queue (and I bet leeches…), plenty of comfy (well, comfy-looking, I haven’t tried it) chairs, and an interactive touch screen panel that offers FAQ’s like plans and services. Another plus for me since I’m not really big on asking CSRs for mundane questions especially if it entails having to wait in line.

Globe removed the silly dummy preview devices that only gives you the idea of the size of a device but not how it works or even the weight. They have replaced it with demo units that actually works and shows you what the devices can do sans phone connectivity. You won’t have to bother the busy CSRs to just try a phone that you plan to buy in XX months to your heart’s content. They even have multiple demo devices so you won’t need to wait for your turn unless an idiot hogs all the space. Though I do understand the security risks, I have qualms about their choice of anti-theft methods. They are just way too sensitive and the distance that you can pull the device from it’s cradle is too short that you have to bend and lean on the display table to see and test the device properly (well, for me anyway. Bad eyesight). And after 2 or 3 accidental alarms, the security looks at you suspiciously (which I understand but don’t appreciate). They have the top of the line devices displayed which is good since they are most of the time the rarest devices to have demo units in stores. They have devices such as iPads, iPhones, Blackberries, and some Samsung and Nokia high end phones. They also have accessories, like headsets and cases, for various devices.

Head on to the 2nd floor of Greenbelt 4 and visit the new Globe Store.

The last time I was in Cebu was 3 years ago. Ever since then I have always wanted to go back but there was never anytime. Well, this weekend I will have the oppurtunity to go back to the Cebu. What’s even better is that I’m joining Cebu Blog Camp 2010. I won’t just get to go back Cebu but I get to meet other bloggers as well.

Aside from my ticket and lodging (ahem ahem), everything is made possible by our great sponsors:

The Cebu Blog Camp 2010

is co-presented by

Gold Sponsors

Sponsor and Media Partner

Bronze Sponsors

Geiser Maclang Marketing Communications, Inc.

Custom WordPress Theme by Padd Solutions

South Florida Party Planner Magazine
Weddings, Quinceanera, Sweet Sixteen and Events Magazine

Winston Delawar Photography, a Premiere South Florida Wedding Photographer

Black Friday Deals by Jehzlau Concepts

Jupiter Suites – Free Internet and Breakfast Hotel in Makati

Media and Institution Partners

Mozilla

RCTV 36 – Official Online and TV Media Partner

Cebu Daily News – Official Print Media Partner

Blog4Reviews

Donors

Jaypee Habaradas of JaypeeOnline.net

Cebu Blog Camp 2010 is an event organized by a group of Cebu Bloggers.